The 5am Blog

I never thought I would be where I am today. As a teen I had my entire life planned out. I was going to be married by the age of 25, by 30 I would have 2 kids, and I would be a stay at home mom with a fairytale life. I think God probably got a good laugh out of that. He had other plans. About 4 years ago I was introduced to the man I am engaged to. We had gone to high school together, but he didn't know I existed and to me he was always the older guy a couple of years ahead of me. We dated briefly not long after our "meeting" and then split up. Our lives were going in different directions. I had come to the conclusion that maybe marriage wasn't something that needed to be done in your 20's and that it was okay to wait a bit longer. I'm so glad I did. The last couple of years I had been telling myself that I had already met my Prince Charming. That he was someone who had already been a part of my life, but I couldn't put my finger on him. Then in November, after some encouraging from Erin, I decided to call Brian and see how he was. After 4 years of growing up, I was a bit more willing to tear down the wall I wouldn't let him past previously. We haven't looked back since. He proposed in February and we will be married in February 2010. He is truely the love of my life. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else.

Planning a wedding is...well... at times a pain in the ass! Granted, I've only just started. I've done other weddings before. Planning my own has proven to be not as easily done. I think when you AREN'T the bride, you don't get bogged down by all the details. You feed off the details when you are on the outside looking in. As the bride, however, it's the details that cause sharp shooting pains to your eyeballs for no particular reason. Then there is the whole dress scenerio. Since I'm the last in my group to get married, I think you ladies can appreciate this. The dress charade is quite possibly the one detail I wish I could pass off to someone else. I do not want to put big white layers of fabric over what already feels like jello and marshmellows. Don't get me wrong, I want my perfect dress more than anything. It's the body it has to go on that makes the whole thing mortifying. We are critical of ourselves as it is. Adding the pressure of wanting to look perfect on your wedding day, while standing in a tri-fold mirror, all eyes on you in bad florescant lighting only makes the self criticism a million times worse. Do my arms look big? Is my stomach poking out? IS THAT BACK FAT???? My brilliant solution was to get a tan...

We bought a pool...it nearly killed me! I was sure that a little color would help with my self-esteem and possibly motivate me to do something about my body. The water was great, the sun was warm...and most importantly, the house was empty! Floating around on my new silver float started out wonderfully! I was relaxed and soaking it up. Did the usual flip about 30 minutes into it. Then after a nice break I started the routine over again. It was when I flipped to my front the last time that sealed my sad fate for the next 2 days. I was so comfortable and relaxed. The impromptu nap was disrupted, thank the Lord, by the feeling of goosebumps and a slight chill. I knew it was time to head in. A few hours later, after deciding to go to dinner with Brian's sister, I got up from my comfy spot on the couch to get dressed. I turned white, my neice asked what was wrong, and I saw my life flash before my eyes! I made sure to give Brian instructions on certain things I would need later in the evening. I knew it was only going to get worse. After the house had been cleared out my body turned on me and 30 minutes of hell followed. During that 30 minutes I scared the living daylights out of the cats with the noises that erupted from my mouth, peed all over myself, and comtemplated whether or not my fiance and the crew would walk in to witness a toilet death in progress. When I finally made it back to bed, after cleaning up my mess, mind you, I began to freak myself out beyond the point of return! "OMG!!! When was my last period? What if I'm pregnant? What about the wedding? What is Erin going to say?" This went on for a while. My concept of time was a bit off so it felt like forever. Then I had a sudden moment of clarity. "Hey stupid...YOU HAVE SUN POISONING!!!" That's a relief! Needless to say, my skin felt like it had been stretched to its max the following day and walking was nearly impossible. If I could have had Brian peeing for me I would have! I have NEVER in my life been so miserable after 2 1/2 hours in the sun. I survived though and now I have color...the red turned to brown. Maybe it will make the dress look better!