Clarification

I want to clarify the meaning of my last blog. I did not mean for it to sound like I absolutely hate myself and that I think Brian won't be pleased with what he sees on our wedding day. First of all, it was written after a long night of no sleep. I am also a HUGE ball of nerves right now. I know I did it to myself. I usually do. Basically I was just trying to express my fears , but trying to down play them at the same time. Does that make sense? I thought that if I made light of the whole thing, which was my intent, that the fear woulnd't seem so big.

Am I looking forward to a nap more than I am "being with my husband"? NO! But if I think about a nap then I avoid possibly vomiting in my mouth from nerves. I'm not nervous about the actual "deed"... the whole DAMN thing has me nervous. I'm doing things differently than everyone thought I would, I've changed my mind about the style of my dress, I'm putting 18 kids in the wedding.... For that last 10 years things have been very specific.... NONE of it exists anymore. It's exciting and amazing, but for someone who has everything planned out and and doesn't do well with NOT having 100% control of some situations, my ever changing mind is scaring the HELL out of me!

The only thing I'm not nervous about? Making it down the aisle so I can hang on to Brian's hand. I know the minute he takes hold of me all will be well. My mother is my hero and best friend, but Brian has become my security and safe haven. I never thought there would be anyone in this world who could make me feel the way he does.

So, if I have another last night/early morning post that sounds like I'm being harsh to myself or sounds like I'm deminisioning the excitement of my wedding, just know that it is my way of dealing with my nerves as best as I can. I know it's all going to turn out exactly like it should in the end, but on the way there I may have a few moments of complete anxiety. Please just be patient with me!

And I hope like hell this makes sense!