The Shocking 18!

It's no secret that Brian and I love our families. It's also no secret that we don't believe "family" is always blood related. As a result our "families" are HUGE! Mine more than his, but when you put them together I can guarantee we will look like the Duggars on steroids. So when it came to the wedding and making the decision on who would be in it we ended up finding ourself in a very strange situation. The adults of the wedding party were easy, but figuring out places for all the kiddos became nearly impossible. When you add all of our neices and nephews up we get a total of 18. That's a lot of kids, but each one is super special to us and we can't imagine our lives without them! I thought I would give a little background on who they all are.

His... Brian has an older sister and a younger sister. Camille, his older sister, was blessed with her first daughter, Emma, when Brian was 18 and they had an immediate bond. Emma is a lot like her Uncle Brian and it shows every time they are together. For the first several years of Emma's life Brian was the closest thing to a Daddy she had. Later, Camille married James, who had Orien and Tyler from his first marriage. Eight years ago Olivia joined the family and then 5 years ago Grace entered the world. Brooke, Brian's little sister, contributed Abby to the family 9 years ago. Each one of the kids holds a little piece of Brian's heart and it shows every time they are around him. I'll never forget seeing him with them for the first time. Watching his eyes light up and seeing how much he loved them made me fall in love with him that instant. I knew right then that he would be a wonderful father.

Mine...This is where it gets confusing. Let's start with biological ones first. My older brother, BG, has a son Josh. I haven't been around Josh much, but I did get to spend some time with him when my brother passed away. Josh is his dad made over, physically, and has his mother's brilliant mind. When I look at him it makes me feel like God left a piece of BG just for us. My older sister, Jody, has two kiddos, Kaylie and Brady. Kaylie looks just like my sister did when she was younger and is so sweet. She never fails to hug me everytime I see her. Brady is a shy little monster. He's 5 years old and the size of a 7 year old. He's got sugar dripping out of him at every turn and is 100% boy! My little brother, John, has 2 boys. Christian, while not biologically his, loves his Daddy so much! You cans see the world disappear when John walks into the room. Aiden is a miniature version of my brother. If you were to compare pictures the only thing that would distinguish between the two of them is the age of the actual picture. Aiden is such a good baby and is quickly beginning to show signs of being his big brother's side kick!
Non biological...When I was 8 years old my mother got me involved in Big Brothers and Sister of Tarrant County. I was matched with Ethel and when our case was closed, due to me graduating high school and being 18, we were the longest running match in BB&S history. Alexandra, her oldest, was born the day after my 15th birthday and I will never forget the day she was born. Last year, Alex started on the Varsity Soccer team at her school. She was a freshman!! When Alex was 7 she was given a baby brother and sister. Isabel and Connor were born in February and are a miracle in themselves. Isabel is all girl and it shows in everything she does and says. Connor loves anything Alex does and you can see how much he looks up to her! You all know who Raquel is. Raquel came into our lives about 9 years ago when she and my mom started working together. Her entire family lives out of state so she adoped our family and we adopted her. When she got married 4 years ago my mom got two grandkids with the deal. Bailye is 13 and such a doll. We don't see her much, but we miss her when she isn't around. Ryen is involved in basketball, soccer, and football and keeps the family running. He has a huge heart and is the best big brother that I've ever seen. Three years ago Raquel gave birth to Ava and gave my mom her 3rd grandchild. Ava is another one that is all girl. She was tiny when she was born and hasn't changed much. She is petite and tiny and beautiful. Ava became a big sister when Alexa came into the world 2 years ago. Lexi is in a world of her own. She rolled over at 3 months, crawled at 5, and had a full array of words in her vocabulary by her first birthday...including octopuss!

There you go! That's all of them! They are literally what makes our world go round and having each one of them in our wedding is going to make our day that much more special. Now, Orien and Tyler will not be with us that day as they have moved to Hawaii with their mom. My Goddaughter, Katlin will be a part of the wedding and so will her little brother Matthew. Still makes it 18.

I know it's a lot of kids and it will likely be chaotic, but I can NOT imagine it any other way and neither can Brian.

Clarification

I want to clarify the meaning of my last blog. I did not mean for it to sound like I absolutely hate myself and that I think Brian won't be pleased with what he sees on our wedding day. First of all, it was written after a long night of no sleep. I am also a HUGE ball of nerves right now. I know I did it to myself. I usually do. Basically I was just trying to express my fears , but trying to down play them at the same time. Does that make sense? I thought that if I made light of the whole thing, which was my intent, that the fear woulnd't seem so big.

Am I looking forward to a nap more than I am "being with my husband"? NO! But if I think about a nap then I avoid possibly vomiting in my mouth from nerves. I'm not nervous about the actual "deed"... the whole DAMN thing has me nervous. I'm doing things differently than everyone thought I would, I've changed my mind about the style of my dress, I'm putting 18 kids in the wedding.... For that last 10 years things have been very specific.... NONE of it exists anymore. It's exciting and amazing, but for someone who has everything planned out and and doesn't do well with NOT having 100% control of some situations, my ever changing mind is scaring the HELL out of me!

The only thing I'm not nervous about? Making it down the aisle so I can hang on to Brian's hand. I know the minute he takes hold of me all will be well. My mother is my hero and best friend, but Brian has become my security and safe haven. I never thought there would be anyone in this world who could make me feel the way he does.

So, if I have another last night/early morning post that sounds like I'm being harsh to myself or sounds like I'm deminisioning the excitement of my wedding, just know that it is my way of dealing with my nerves as best as I can. I know it's all going to turn out exactly like it should in the end, but on the way there I may have a few moments of complete anxiety. Please just be patient with me!

And I hope like hell this makes sense!

Late Night Randomness

I felt pretty good today with all that I accomplished. When you only have 2 1/2 months to plan a wedding your automatic fear is that every venue for wedding and reception will be taken. Luckily the Fort Worth Botanic Gardens has the specific garden and time available I was wanting. What made things even better was their restaurant is also available for a lunch reception. In my mind I've gone back and forth on the whole afternoon reception. It will be nice to not have to wait all day just to get down the aisle and enjoy quality time with friends and family. At the same time I think every girl, and I use that term loosely in my case, has this idea of driving away with her Prince Charming under the moon and stars. Here's what I keep telling myself though...YOU CAN TAKE A NAP AFTER! Seriously, get married, have family time, eat cake, go home and take a nap! I'm aware that this should not be what I am thinking about doing after the wedding, but let's not fool ourselves here. It's not like I'm 20 years old and can't wait to "be with my husband." And it's not like daylight is my friend in that situation. Oh, he loves me for who I am, but come one girls. Let's say I pull off the whole "taking his breath away" when he sees me the first time as I walk toward him in my dress. I would hate to have to smack him back to reality so soon after his "breath taking" moment. That would just be unfair to the poor man.

I've narrowed down what I think I want the guys to wear, but in the shower tonight I thought of something else. I do not have time to keep changing my mind or coming up with new ideas. And don't even get me started on the music for the ceremony. For YEARS I had the music picked out. I even had the timing down on the processional music. Now I can't make up my mind. I like three different ones, my mom has her favorite of them, one of them calms me, and the other is the original music I've always wanted. This will definitely be a job for the bridesmaids to help with. Maybe I'll just use "Another One Bites the Dust"...

I'll definitely be ready to get these big decisions out of the way. They effect the decision I make on everything else. I was on a "roll" today, as Amy put it, and now I'm stuck. I'm waiting for the photographer and cake chick to email me back. The waiting is killing me! I also think I'm just waiting for something to go wrong. I wouldn't say I'm a pessimistic person...I just like to have my umbrella in hand when the shit hits the fan!

Anyway...enough wedding talk. I gotta find something else to talk about!

Here I am again...middle of the night and my brain will NOT shut off. It's my own fault really. I made some serious life changing decisions today. It's amazing to me how different I am from just a few years ago. When I was a little girl I was all dresses and bows. I never went anywhere without shoes on and it was out of the question to leave the house without being fully dressed and primped! Then I hit high school, became a cheerleader, and it all went south. Getting up at the ass-crack of dawn for practices, then the practices after school, and the games that we were expected to be at pretty much turned my prissiness away. When the entire school sees you sweating in shorts and a t-shirt, no makeup and your hair pulled out of your face in any way possible brings you in to reality. I never really regained my "girly girl" attitude. I am notorious for leaving the house with my hair up, NO makeup, and wearing something that matches close enough that I don't get looked at like a bum! Erin hates this! "What if you run into someone you know?" Well, then it won't be a surprise for them since this is how I normally look! If this is my outlook on life then WHY did I think a big "princessy" wedding was a good idea?

For as long as I can remember I've had my wedding planned. I knew what music I was going to walk down the aisle to, the colors, the flowers, the ceremony music, etc. My dress was going to be beautiful and big and I was going to look like a princess. When my brother got married last year I was commissioned to "plan" the thing. In the end, he had my "dream wedding". His fiance and I are so much a like that their wedding ended up being exactly what I THOUGHT I always wanted. That is until the last 24 hours.

We've decided that we no longer want what I had envisioned. I have a new vision. I have a vision of friends and family joining around us to watch us declare our love for each other. I want simplicity. My dress has even changed. I want to remember every detail of the day and not go broke trying to make it happen. Marriage isn't about what you wear that day, the flowers you carried, the music that played, or the cake that is served. Marriage is about loving that one person for the rest of your life, through good and bad, and never wanting to go a day on this earth without them. I don't need all the details to make sure everyone knows how much I love Brian. In fact, I think I can say it better with the new vision. I still want the same colors, but that is about all that is the same. I've changed my processional music, my dress, the location, the everything! I'm not the person I was when this whole thing started. I'm madly in love with the one person in the world God made for me.

The 5am Blog

I never thought I would be where I am today. As a teen I had my entire life planned out. I was going to be married by the age of 25, by 30 I would have 2 kids, and I would be a stay at home mom with a fairytale life. I think God probably got a good laugh out of that. He had other plans. About 4 years ago I was introduced to the man I am engaged to. We had gone to high school together, but he didn't know I existed and to me he was always the older guy a couple of years ahead of me. We dated briefly not long after our "meeting" and then split up. Our lives were going in different directions. I had come to the conclusion that maybe marriage wasn't something that needed to be done in your 20's and that it was okay to wait a bit longer. I'm so glad I did. The last couple of years I had been telling myself that I had already met my Prince Charming. That he was someone who had already been a part of my life, but I couldn't put my finger on him. Then in November, after some encouraging from Erin, I decided to call Brian and see how he was. After 4 years of growing up, I was a bit more willing to tear down the wall I wouldn't let him past previously. We haven't looked back since. He proposed in February and we will be married in February 2010. He is truely the love of my life. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else.

Planning a wedding is...well... at times a pain in the ass! Granted, I've only just started. I've done other weddings before. Planning my own has proven to be not as easily done. I think when you AREN'T the bride, you don't get bogged down by all the details. You feed off the details when you are on the outside looking in. As the bride, however, it's the details that cause sharp shooting pains to your eyeballs for no particular reason. Then there is the whole dress scenerio. Since I'm the last in my group to get married, I think you ladies can appreciate this. The dress charade is quite possibly the one detail I wish I could pass off to someone else. I do not want to put big white layers of fabric over what already feels like jello and marshmellows. Don't get me wrong, I want my perfect dress more than anything. It's the body it has to go on that makes the whole thing mortifying. We are critical of ourselves as it is. Adding the pressure of wanting to look perfect on your wedding day, while standing in a tri-fold mirror, all eyes on you in bad florescant lighting only makes the self criticism a million times worse. Do my arms look big? Is my stomach poking out? IS THAT BACK FAT???? My brilliant solution was to get a tan...

We bought a pool...it nearly killed me! I was sure that a little color would help with my self-esteem and possibly motivate me to do something about my body. The water was great, the sun was warm...and most importantly, the house was empty! Floating around on my new silver float started out wonderfully! I was relaxed and soaking it up. Did the usual flip about 30 minutes into it. Then after a nice break I started the routine over again. It was when I flipped to my front the last time that sealed my sad fate for the next 2 days. I was so comfortable and relaxed. The impromptu nap was disrupted, thank the Lord, by the feeling of goosebumps and a slight chill. I knew it was time to head in. A few hours later, after deciding to go to dinner with Brian's sister, I got up from my comfy spot on the couch to get dressed. I turned white, my neice asked what was wrong, and I saw my life flash before my eyes! I made sure to give Brian instructions on certain things I would need later in the evening. I knew it was only going to get worse. After the house had been cleared out my body turned on me and 30 minutes of hell followed. During that 30 minutes I scared the living daylights out of the cats with the noises that erupted from my mouth, peed all over myself, and comtemplated whether or not my fiance and the crew would walk in to witness a toilet death in progress. When I finally made it back to bed, after cleaning up my mess, mind you, I began to freak myself out beyond the point of return! "OMG!!! When was my last period? What if I'm pregnant? What about the wedding? What is Erin going to say?" This went on for a while. My concept of time was a bit off so it felt like forever. Then I had a sudden moment of clarity. "Hey stupid...YOU HAVE SUN POISONING!!!" That's a relief! Needless to say, my skin felt like it had been stretched to its max the following day and walking was nearly impossible. If I could have had Brian peeing for me I would have! I have NEVER in my life been so miserable after 2 1/2 hours in the sun. I survived though and now I have color...the red turned to brown. Maybe it will make the dress look better!